‘Letting go is a practice of learning to live’

Tara Brach
Buddhist, psychologist and author

Navigating seasonal transitions

For this newsletter I’ve reworked a previous ‘autumnal theme’. This theme of ‘shedding’ and ‘letting go’, is something I return to again and again, always finding new insights. I hope it’s helpful to you too.

I’ve always loved Autumn. Maybe because I’ve experienced some of the biggest transitions of my life in Autumn, or because I was born in November, or perhaps it’s simply the colours of nature in this season of ‘mist and mellow fruitfulness’.

This Autumn I’ve been reflecting on how nature shows us how to ‘let go’. As storms approach our shores today I look forward to watching the high winds send the leaves tumbling to the ground in a riot of colour, a joyful dance which seemed the very opposite of ‘clinging on’.

So far my practice of letting go has resulted in boxing up all my school improvement books and sending them to the Oxfam book shop and clearing out all my work suits. As a result I’ve found place on my empty shelves for my mindfulness books. This letting go of possessions that define who I used to be has been symbolic. I now know that in this next phase of my life the practice of presence through mindfulness, the cultivation of this personally and the sharing of this professionally, is what I will attend to.

However I’m beginning to realise that boxing up books and getting rid of suits is the easy part. What’s more difficult is recognising what I’m still holding onto - a busy diary, a need to be valued professionally, a need to be needed.

I share this personal glimpse of my own journey of letting go through this transitional autumn season in the knowledge that I’m not alone. Shedding old identities, or letting go of habits that no longer serve us well is something we all navigate in big and small ways throughout our lives. In this autumn season of transition I invite you to explore this for yourself.

How Mindfulness can help.

Letting go is both an art and a practice, one that holds the power to positively shape our lives. Letting go does not mean pushing something away. Instead, as I have found, it’s a practice of relinquishing control, yearning, and resistance.

Mindfulness cultivates this attitude of letting go, or ‘non-attachment’. It helps us meet each moment of our day with an open mind and heart.

This practice starts with being aware of what we are holding on to, be it an identity, a thought, a mood or a body sensation. Once we notice it, we can name it ‘holding on’ or ‘clinging’. This helps shift our perspective. We become the witness to what’s happening. This means it’s less likely we’ll prolong the clinging by getting entangled in it, giving it energy and creating a drama around it.

As we notice what’s happening we become more aware of the tension in the body that accompanies the 'holding on’. We can then choose whether or not we want to hang on or let go of what’s creating this tension. If we choose the latter we can take one long out breath to release the tension and allow the thought, feeling or mood to slacken its hold on us.

We bring the attitude of compassion and care to this practice. If, for example, we notice that once again we are giving ourselves a hard time when we hold on to a thought, or a mood, we can simply pause saying ‘may I meet this moment too with kindness, knowing I am good enough right now’ then move on.

Let’s explore what we might choose to practice letting go of.

Let go of ‘the story of you’. 

What stories are you telling yourself about you? When I coach school leaders they sometimes tell me that they are the sort of person who needs to be in control, or to have all the answers. Some set themselves impossibly high expectations aligned with the need to be perfect. Some tell themselves that unless they have answered all their emails, they cant leave their place of work and when they do - they feel guilty. Sound familiar?

Be attentive to when you might be displaying this “fixed sense of self”. If you find yourself saying or thinking ‘I’m the sort of person who…’ - just pause and ask yourself;

• How does this show up in my day to day work and life?

• In what ways does it help or hinder me or others? 

• What would it be like if instead I was the sort of person who for example set myself ‘good enough’ expectations or let go of the need to be in control by asking for help and sharing the load.

See what happens when you let go of the person you think you are. How does it feel?

Let go of busyness. 

It’s natural as we move into the second half of the Autumn term to feel burdened by the musts and the shoulds that keep us task focused. We can give higher status to busyness than it deserves because, for some of us, our sense of self worth is wrapped up with how much we do and how busy we are. But never a wasted moment comes at a cost. It keeps us on high alert, without respite. 

At the start of a day you might ask ‘what is the one thing I can let go of today?’ Build ‘speed bumps’ into your day intentionally stopping, letting your attention drop into your body. Count up to 5 breaths. On each out breath let go of something that’s getting in the way of your wellbeing. Then proceed. 

Let go of the need to know.

The mantle of ‘expert’ can weigh heavy on us as leaders. It can imprison us in our expectations of ourselves, and our beliefs about what others expect of us. 

Instead wear the mantle of curiosity, embracing the practice of exploration and ‘not knowing’, being open to learning and feedback. In the words of Steve Munby in his book Imperfect Leadership become a leader ‘who knows they don't know it all’.

If you have time to go further you might take a listen to Jack Kornfield’s ‘letting go’ mindfulness practice. This practice, he says, is the answer to ‘the art of living wisely’. Perhaps worth a try?