‘Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is a heroic and radical act’

Audre Lord
Author and Activist

Heroism and self compassion

Two recent events have given me much food for thought. I took part in the Welsh National Academy of Educational Leadership Wellbeing Conference and met with Focus Trust leaders who are engaged in the Empowering Leadership Programme on Cultivating Leadership Presence.

In both groups, giving ourselves the permission to practice self-compassion and to be kind to ourselves was a recurrent theme along with a commitment to intentionally practice it.

This is a brave move. Kindness and compassion is not for the faint hearted. As Professor Paul Gilbert says, ‘it is active, it is passionate and warrior like.’ It is also ethical, as it enables us to show up as leaders who are more present, wise and responsive to our needs and the needs of others.  

Kristen Neff’s research tells us that when we practice self compassion physically we are healthier, sleep better and have stronger immune systems. At work we are more motivated, and more likely to love what we do, despite the stresses and strains of day to day work.

That’s why the Bedfordshire Schools Trust are focusing on their new value of ‘we have the courage to be compassionate’.  It is nothing less than an act of heroic leadership.

But if we know that self compassion is a vital element of leadership, why do we find it so hard? A recent study showed that 78% of us find it easy to be compassionate to others, 16% of us find it easier to receive compassion from others, but only 6% of us find it easy to be compassionate to ourselves.

When I shared these figures at the NAEL Conference and asked whether or not they resonated, there was an immediate blizzard of comments in the chat saying ‘yes – that’s me – that’s so true’.  We agreed that opening up the flow of compassion in organisations starts with us. It starts with self-compassion.

How Mindfulness can help.

There are 3 elements to self compassion

Awareness; Mindfulness practice helps us to know when we are discomforted, struggling, tired or stressed before we become overwhelmed by these inner states. Mindfulness helps us ‘be with’ ourselves in a tender and accepting way, paying attention to our thoughts, emotions and physical sensations as they arise, and noticing how they then gradually reduce their hold over us.

Common humanity; The practice of compassion starts from the understanding that all of us are worthy, and have a deep desire to be happy. There is power in acknowledging our interdependence and vulnerability, by reaching out, asking for and offering help. Leaders who model this are embodying compassion.

Kindness; This means easing up on ourselves when we have made a mistake, or not managed to complete all the tasks we set ourselves. We get to know the ‘comparing mind’ that seeks to measure ourselves against others, or against our own high standards, so we invariably feel judged and found wanting. We learn to recognise this and tell ourselves, ‘right now, I’m good enough’.

So if the benefits of self compassion are clear why is offering ourselves this so hard, and why do we neglect it so much?

When times are tough and we are rushing through our day, largely unaware of our inner world, it’s easy to get caught in what Tara Brach refers to as a ‘trance’, which limits our capability for compassion.

How might we notice such trances and ‘wake up’ to self-compassion?

The trance of ‘not enough time’

At the the moment so many of us are caught in this trance of ‘not enough time’. We speed through the day, crossing tasks off the list whilst still feeling beleaguered, annoyed at interruptions, and worried about what’s around the corner.

Instead practice ‘pausing and shifting perspective’. Stop for a moment and attend to your body, your breath and your emotions. Ask yourself ‘what really matters to me right now?’, and ‘what do I most need right now?’, then if it’s appropriate and possible, give it to yourself. This is a micro moment of ‘re-setting’ with kindness and compassion.

The trance of ‘it’s all down to me’

When everyone around us is busy it’s easy as a leader to take more and more on ourselves because after all, ‘how can I ask others to do more?’. We can find ourselves in ‘fixing’ mode in conversations, quickly offering solutions and advice and short circuiting the opportunity to empower others to find the solution for themselves.

When caught in this trance practice attentive listening. Notice the tendency to interrupt, to suggest actions, and instead try ‘simply witnessing’ with curiosity and kindness. By taking this stance we are offering compassion to others by showing we believe in their capability and worthiness and to ourselves by waking up from the burden of our perceived responsibility for others.

The trance of ‘it’s only me’

As a leader at times of challenge and uncertainty it’s easy to feel isolated, to think that ‘no-one else feels like this’, or ‘I should be able to handle this stress, I’m the leader after all’. As Michael Fullan has often remarked ‘isolation is the enemy of improvement’. It has become clear over the last two years that it is also the enemy of well-being.

So why not start a meeting by cultivating common humanity and asking the team ‘what’s on your mind right now, what are you bringing into this meeting and what mental burden can we choose to let go of for the next hour?’. This invitation to share and accept our vulnerability is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness, and is a powerful and compassionate leadership act.

The trance of ‘I’m not good enough’

The inner critic has had a field day during the pandemic, fanning the flames of self doubt and unworthiness. It comes unbidden and unwelcome. When you find yourself ruminating about a decision you wished you hadn’t taken or a conversation where you spoke harshly and wished you hadn’t, or when that Sunday evening feeling of ‘I cant do this anymore’ comes, then pause, and notice the feeling, the thought, and the emotion. Then speak to yourself as if you were your own best friend. This is the voice of compassion, the voice of the inner coach – who might gently say ‘you are doing the best you can right now and this is enough’.

If you would like to explore a guided self compassion practice listen to this from Professor Chris Germer who has worked on mindfulness self compassion for many years. He guides a 10 minute practice on mindful self compassion during a time of Covid here: