There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life.

Tara Brach
Radical Acceptance

Staying balanced at times of challenge

In her recent blog, for Empowering Leadership, Helen Rowland CEO of Focus Trust shares her experience of the practice of ‘radical acceptance’ saying; ‘this practice helped me to see that at times of unexpected challenge I can accept that this has already happened; I can't change this - but I can decide my response to it and that will change what happens next so the outcome is better. In other words, I might not like the beginning, but whatever I am dealing with can definitely have a better ending’.

Through her practice of leadership presence Helen became aware that she had a choice in how she reacted to unexpected challenge, upset or difficulty.

The Buddha knew this when he taught that when an unexpected difficulty arises it's like being hit by an arrow. It's happened, and we feel pain. But our human tendency is to then fire a second or third arrow into the same spot, by blaming and judging ourselves, resisting what’s just happened, wishing it were otherwise and often spiralling into anticipatory worry. As a result we pile on more suffering.

As leaders we can have a tendency to fire arrows by taking everything personally. The practice of radical acceptance reminds us that not everything that happens is a reflection of us. What’s going on at any given moment is generally not about you, it just is what it is. 

The practice of radical acceptance is highlighted in my book ‘Leading with Presence; it’s an inside job’, in the chapter on ‘Balance and Perspective’.

It’s not yet available online outside the UK but it is possible to order direct from me and I will be happy to ship a copy to you - just get in touch maggie@maggiefarrar.co.uk

My newsletters for the next few months will pick short extracts from the book and additional reflections to share with you.

Radical acceptance

I first learned this powerful practice from Tara Brach in her book ‘Radical Acceptance’, where she describes it as; ‘the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives just as they are’.

There are two core elements to radical acceptance.

1. The first part, recognition, comes through being mindful and aware of what is happening as it is happening, without getting immediately caught up in over analysis and judgement.

2. The second aspect, compassion, is then responding to our experience with care and kindness, as if we were our own best friend.

Why not try some of these simple practices next time you are knocked off balance, like Helen, by a sudden unexpected difficulty:

• Observe when you are questioning or fighting reality saying; ‘it shouldn’t be this way, it's not fair’ or ‘why me?’.

• Remind yourself that this unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed. It’s happened.

• Accept it – for a moment – and give yourself the time to investigate it. Notice how you might be caught in a limited perception of what’s happening so ask yourself, ‘what else might be true here?’.

• Step back, and take a ‘4 x 4 perspective’ asking; 'How will this feel in four days, four weeks, four months, four years?’ Will it still seem so huge and overwhelming?
  

• Allow the feelings to be felt, and de-centre from them by saying; ‘anger is here’, ‘guilt is here’, disappointment is here’. This helps avoid getting tangled up in the feelings and overwhelmed by them. We start to experience them as passing mental states.
  

• Ask yourself; ‘how does knowing and accepting this help me understand it more fully and grow as a leader?’

Radical acceptance is NOT approval, shrugging our shoulders and saying ‘whatever’. It’s the opposite. By choosing to radically accept the things that are in this moment out of our control, we prevent ourselves from becoming stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger and sadness.

Rather than judging ourselves harshly for what we feel or think, we honour the experience, so we can fully learn what it has to teach us, building our authenticity and presence as leaders.