‘Be kind whenever possible.
It is always possible’

 The Dalai Lama

How to cultivate kindness

This Saturday 13th November is International World Kindness Day. Each year, people from around the globe come together to create a chain reaction of compassion by performing random acts of kindness.

With the leaders I coach, they often minimize their truly heroic leadership, using phrases like ‘I just managed to…’, or ‘all I did was…’. Instead they focus on their shortcomings, often giving themselves a hard time when they feel they are not quite measuring up to their own very high self imposed standards. They are kinder to others than they are to themselves.

We sometimes think that self kindness is soft, self serving or only for the weak. So at times of uncertainty, when we feel the job is ‘getting the better of us’, rather than ask ‘what do I need right now?’, we can react by working even harder and driving ourselves to the point of exhaustion. At these times, we can feel like a spring that has been pulled out of shape, and lost its ability to go back. Our resilience is compromised.

Self kindness or self compassion can be viewed as a way of ‘retaining our shape’ in the midst of pressure. On the eve of world kindness day, maybe it’s time to practice a little self kindness?

How Mindfulness can help.

All mindfulness practice draws on and cultivates the transformational qualities of self kindness, compassion and unconditional positive regard. By being more present, our awareness of these qualities is heightened, so we are more able to embody them as leaders and draw on them in our day to day experience.

The practice of self kindness is not selfish, its not self centred. It is ethical practice. It renews and restores us so we are more able to enter into the next moment of our day a little less defended, with a little more wisdom, clarity and presence. It is a powerful leadership act.

 Alan Lee, a mindfulness practitioner and CEO of Bedfordshire Schools Trust (BEST) knows the power of this for his school community. This year they are living a new value ‘we have the courage to be compassionate’, with a commitment to be ‘tough on issues, kind on people’.

This is a brave move. Kindness and compassion is not for the faint hearted. As Professor Paul Gilbert LINK says, ‘it is active, it is passionate and it is warrior like.’

Here’s how we can practice it ….. 

Find that which sustains and nourishes you

There is a lovely Japanese practice called Kaizen, and it is simple in its beauty. The word itself has two roots - ‘kai’ (change) and ‘zen’ (wisdom). It can be as simple as instigating a one-minute daily routine that brings you joy. For many school leaders this is making sure there is time in the diary to listen to children singing or to greet children at the school gate as Simon Morley describes in his blog. For others its sitting in the car before entering the building listening to one favourite piece of music. If this feels strange and the pull of the building along with the demands of your day is too strong, then park a couple of streets away for a moment!

Treat yourself as your own best friend

Befriending ourselves is a powerful practice for leaders. It helps to counteract habitual negative thoughts which at times of stress are often directed at ourselves. Remember what we say to a friend when they are giving themselves a hard time; ‘you know you can do this’, ‘just think how many people appreciate you’, ‘you have so many skills’, ‘just look at how you have managed up to now – I really admire you’- and say them to yourself.

Find perspective

Let go of the need for external validation. Much of our self–criticism and lack of self kindness comes from how we think others are perceiving us. When ruminating on an issue, and finding yourself falling short, stop. Take a step back from it. Say to yourself, ‘is there any other way I could be perceiving this? What do I know to be true right now and what am I fabricating?’. Accept and tell yourself, ‘I am doing the best I can right now.’

Take in the good

Try an ‘awe walk’ around the school , share what you see and congratulate yourself and others on being amazing. Start a meeting with ‘what has gladdened you heart and lifted your spirits today?’. At the end of the meeting ask ‘who or what did we appreciate during this hour?’. Remember kindness is always possible.

So on this eve of world kindness day start your own chain reaction, beginning with yourself.

If you have time to go further watch Rick Hanson’s 5 minute talk exploring the link between self kindness, compassion and resilience where he asks, 'can you see yourself the way others see you, as essentially good and worthy?