‘And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you’

Mariah Carey

Appreciating yourself

I was fortunate enough to present at the recent Inspiring Leadership Conference in Birmingham. Jaz Ampwah inspired many of us with her encouragement to see ourselves and each other for the every-day heroes that we are. It made me realise how much we don't appreciate ourselves for the amazing work we do.

When I was at the National College for School Leadership I had a lovely colleague who was terrific at her job. Despite this she would always latch on to what she wasn't yet doing right as opposed to the many things she was exceptional at.

As a result, when it came round to her annual appraisal which included 360 degree feedback from colleagues, I would always share the positive feedback first, then ask her to go home, share it with her partner, and keep looking at it. A few days later, we would complete the other part of the appraisal, but not without once again, talking again about the really positive feedback she had received and how that had made her feel. Even so, she was still impatient to hear where she could improve.

Why do we find it so hard to hear this. Why do we want to move so quickly onto what might not be going so well?

How Mindfulness can help.

The brain has a strong negativity bias. It's evolved for survival. So we pay much more attention to what’s wrong rather than what's right. This means our view of ourselves and of the world can be negatively distorted and as a result impact on our thoughts and feelings of self-worth.

Mindfulness helps us to 'wake up' when we are leaning into the negative or ‘fix it’ mindset in relation to self and others. It also helps us notice our discomfort when we receive a compliment. We need to intentionally counter this through the practice of self -appreciation.

Kristen Neff describes this as bringing together mindfulness, common humanity and kindness - a powerful blend of practices.

But I, and many others I work with, still find this practice difficult and if we're honest a bit 'cringy'. What has helped me is the final step of the practice where we acknowledge our strengths and accomplishments knowing we didn't get here without all those who nurtured and helped our growth along the way - our families, friends, earliest teachers, mentors and role models.

We acknowledge that we are who we are, because of them. This means that when we appreciate our talents and gifts, we are also appreciating them. That definitely feels good and not cringy at all.

It’s powerful.

Why not take a moment, at the end of the day or week to practice self appreciation.

Step one: Give yourself a pat on the back
Sit and bring to mind the things you have appreciated about yourself today or over the week. Perhaps you maintained your boundaries, saying no to avoid being over obligated yet again. Or maybe you paused in a heated conversation and really listened to the other person, responding with understanding and compassion. Maybe you gave yourself some long over-due thinking time, or started that paper that you had been putting off until now.

Step two: Re-live it
Bring the scenario to mind as vividly as you can, feeling again that sense of accomplishment. Appreciate that moment of growth, and the opportunity you had to model a more mindful approach to your leadership.

Step three: Appreciate others
With this fresh in your mind acknowledge someone who has helped or guided you to lead in the way you have just recognised. It may be a colleague, the author of a book, a member of your family or indeed the feisty Celt in your gene pool - our ancestors also have a role to play here. 

Sit for a while with this person or people in your mind and appreciate them.

Feels good doesn’t it?

If you have time to go further then this short Linked-In post by Paul Lloyd on how appreciation is a super power is worth a quick look.