How to be kind to yourself this January

Try a little tenderness

Otis Redding

It’s January.

This is always a hard month but this year, it feels even harder. Scientific studies have shown that, of all the months of the year, January ‘seems to last forever’.

Will it be, as in Narnia, ‘always winter’ we ask ourselves? This time last year a number of schools in the USA were taking part in the ‘Great Kindness Challenge’. How much more important it is to be kind and compassionate right now, to ourselves and to others.

Here’s how Mindfulness can help.

Mindfulness and compassion

When Cathie Paine and I co-facilitated the first ‘To Be and To Lead’ residential programme for REAch2, we asked participants to rate certain sentences according to how much they resonated with them. ‘I give myself a hard time when I don't live up to expectations’ got the highest score, saying that they felt like this ‘almost all the time’. How many of us can relate to this?

Mindfulness helps us to ‘lean into’ these daily difficult moments. Pausing, opening our senses and grounding ourselves gives us a chance to not only discover greater clarity and insight but to take a moment to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. All too often we find it easier to give compassion to others than give it to ourselves. Why is this the case?

We sometimes think that self compassion is soft, self serving or only for the weak. So at times of uncertainty, the ‘doing mode’ of being can take over and we drive ourselves to the point of exhaustion. At times of stress we can feel like a spring that has been pulled out of shape, and lost its ability to go back. We lose our ability to see clearly and respond sensitively to the needs of the moment. Our resilience is compromised.

Self compassion can be viewed as a way of ‘retaining our shape’ in the midst of pressures. But compassion is not for the faint hearted. As Professor Paul Gilbert says, ‘it is active, it is passionate and it is warrior like.’

Why not intentionally include a little kindness and self-compassion practice in your daily lives this coming week? Here’s how…

A note on practices. These are very simply an opportunity for you to try a practice and see what happens without expectations. Self judgment and doubt may arise in the form of thoughts such as “am I doing this right?” or “I am not sure this is for me”. Notice these thoughts and, as best you can, be curious, be kind to yourself and let them go!

Practicing self-compassion

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend

Befriending ourselves is a powerful practice for leaders. It helps to counteract habitual negative thoughts which at times of stress are often directed at ourselves. Remember how it feels to be a good friend to others, the words and phrases we use when our friend is giving themselves a hard time; ‘you know you can do this’, ‘just think how many people appreciate you’, ‘look at how you have managed up to now – I really admire you’.

Find your own voice and say these phrases quietly to yourself. At first it might feel a little false but gradually, over time, this practice develops our capacity to be-friend ourselves and meet our vulnerability fearlessly.

Find perspective

Let go of the need for external validation. Much of our self–criticism and lack of self kindness comes from how we think others are perceiving us. When ruminating on these thoughts - stop - literally. Take a step back from it. Say to yourself, ‘is there any other way I could be perceiving this?’, ‘What do I know to be true right now and what am I fabricating?’

Remind yourself - I am doing the best I can right now.

Tame the inner critic and voice of doubt

The voice of compassion is quiet. The voice of the inner critic is loud, entering our minds unbidden and unwelcome. When you find yourself ruminating about a decision you wished you hadn’t taken or a conversation where you spoke harshly and wished you hadn’t - pause.

Stop and wait.

Observe; What’s going on right now? What thoughts and feelings are here?
De-centre from these by labelling them – here comes self doubt, shame and guilt are here, racing heart is here. Find your own words. Naming helps the thoughts and feelings to loosen their grip on us.
Ask: what do I most need right now? Wait and listen to what your mind and body tells you. This is the voice of self compassion and kindness.
Act; on it now or later.

If our schools are to be places that are psychologically safe for all, where we learn about how to grieve, feel sadness, show vulnerability, mourn lost opportunities, and express our shared humanity then a culture of kindness and compassion is central to all we do.

This starts with being kinder to ourselves. Now, more than ever.

If you have time, here is Dr Kristin Neff (the founder of the Centre for Mindful Self Compassion) taking you through a number of short self-compassion practices. You might like to explore to find what works for you.

GO FURTHER

A poem to leave you with…

The time will come
When, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself,
to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.
Feast on your life.

Love after Love, by Derek Walcott

You might like to watch it being beautifully read by Linton Kwesi Johnson on Newsnight following the death of Derek Walcott here.

Photo caption: Annapurna Trail, Nepal.

Got the time to explore Mindfulness further?

Head to the Resources page of the Empowering Leadership website for podcasts, articles, videos and more!

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